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Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Lame

This piece is meant to be spoken.

You call me lame
as if I'm supposed to be ashamed.
If I could,
I would put lame in my name,
and use it with pride.
I'd be like
"Hi, my name is Anwar Lame Hadi,
nice to meet your acquaintance!"
You see the word lame
like it's used to describe a lamb with three legs.
I take that as a compliment, if you know what I mean.
I mean, lame isn't a derogatory term, no.
It's a frame of mind
out of which I find
the world to be unconfined.
While you're looking through windows,
I'll look through Apples.
See,
I don't find the humour in being
the same as every other human being.
You may be comfortable with conformity,
but I have trouble keeping a straight face when I hear a fart.
And that may indicate
that I'm not as sophisticated
as you grown ups up in here.
It may even point towards me
and my supposed inability 
To grow out of immaturity.
But if growing up means being the same as everyone else then I may as well stay seven forever.
I also have trouble staying on topic, aparently.
What you call lame, I call unique.
What you call lame, I call needs more brain power to process.
What you call lame, I call me maybe.
Wait, I just met you. This is crazy.
What you call lame, I call awesome.
And in response to my lameness, 
you might say "but I'm confused!"
To that, I can only say
"Hi confused, I'm Anwar Lame Hadi."

Friday, July 31, 2015

First Verse

Firstly, I'll only think about you on two occasions:
When my eyes are closed, and when my eyes are open.
I'll try to fix stuff for you, even if it's me that's broken.
I'll provide you with distractions and an ocean of emotion.
I'll tell you your lines are flames
And that all my ones are lame.
Our kids will have my name
But i hope they get your brain,
Coz for real you're off the chain,
Your beauty drives me insane,
What were we talking about again?
Sorry, i got distracted by your eyes.
I will not tell you lies.
I'll bake you some apple pies.
I'll hold your hand through both the lows and the highs.
I'll even go get kitchen supplies.
Cross your t's and dot your i's.
So in summary,
I hope you stay right here with me,
Bringing my life some melody,
Some peace love and harmony,
Until we're over seventy,
That sweet old couple we're gonna be,
Kissing and calling each other baby, sayang and honey bunny.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Settle (PART 5)


“Nak settle macam mane?” Razak said when he regained a straight face. The solution to this problem cannot come out of his mouth. That would be bad for him.

“Tak tahulah tuan, tapi tak perlu lah panggil JAKIM,” Faiz pleaded. This guy wasn’t stupid, Razak could see that. He wanted to tease it out of him. Whatever the situation, Razak needed to keep his cool and make him provide the offer.

“Tapi masalahnya sekarang, korang buat salah. Salah tetap salah dan memang aku patut pun bawa korang berdua pergi balai, tunggu JAKIM datang je. Memang kalau kes-kes macam ni, memang kene denda tiga ribu punye,” Razak was still very much relieved that this little fib of his was not caught out by the couple. They obviously have never been in this position before.

“Eh tuan, kita settle ajalah cara lain tuan. Tak boleh ka tuan?” Faiz was really trying reluctant to make the first move towards what it had to be.

“Nak settle macam mana lagi? Bawa pergi balai?” Razak needed to keep patient, but he also knew that if they were processed the way these cases were supposed to be processed, no monetary transaction would take place whatsoever. The only thing that would happen was that they’d have to go for counselling, and he couldn’t have that, having gone this far into the plan.

“Eh, tak perlu pergi balai lah tuan. Kita settle sini-sini ajalah tuan. Kita-kita ja,” Faiz dropped the biggest hint. To Razak, that line was good enough.

“Sini-sini je? Nak settle berape? Tige ribu tahu kalau hantar pergi pejabat agame,” that was almost twice his paycheque, and if they could get away with that, then a new smartphone would definitely be in order.

“Aa, tiga ribu tak boleh la tuan. Saya baru start kerja ja tuan.”

“Alah, ni kereta ni mahal ni, takkan perempuan kau tu takde duit?” Razak looked at the girl who has been quiet this whole time, obviously terrified. Azrai was standing right behind her, keeping quiet as well, just like he’s supposed to.

“Dia student lagi tuan. Ni kereta parents dia bagi. Tolonglah tuan,” Faiz was still speaking on behalf of both of them.

“Habis tu nak buat macam mane ni sekarang?” Razak didn’t like where this was heading.

“Saya baru start kerja ja tuan. Dalam bank saya ada lima ratuih ja. Kalau tuan nak, kita pi ATM sekarang, saya withdraw, bagi kat tuan semua.” Faiz pointed towards the nearest ATM outside of the parking area.

“Lime ratus je? Kalau macam tu, baik saye hantar ke pejabat agama je! Daripada tige ribu jadi lime ratus je!” Razak also pointed his finger towards the outside of the parking lot, but had no idea if he was actually pointing towards the department of Islamic department.

“Saya tak mampu tuan, tiga ribu tuan. Saya cuma mampu lima ratus ja tuan, pasai tu ja yang saya ada dalam bank saya. Minta maaf sangat-sangat tuan, tapi itu ja yang saya boleh bagi tuan. Lepas saya bagi duit tu kat tuan, saya dah habeh takdak duit dah dalam bank saya tuan. Tolonglah tuan,” Razak could see the desperation in Faiz’s eyes, but he couldn't accept the fact that he went through all this trouble just for five hundred bucks.

“Ni, Sharifah ni. Takkan dalam bank takde duit langsung?” Razak pointed his finger to the girl, almost touching her nose in the process.

“Er, saye pun takde banyak sangat encik. Saye ade lime nam ratus je.” The girl couldn’t even bring herself to look at Razak in the face.

“Hah, jadi lah. Korang pergi ke ATM, withdraw duit tu sekarang. Kitorang tunggu sini, jage kerete. Datang sini balik cepat-cepat!” Razak shooed them away like stray cats. He was feeling hot under the collar, and he also realised that he was running out of time because ATMs close before midnight, and that hour was fast approaching.

About half an hour passed before they came back. Razak was starting to get worried that they had run away or something, so when he saw them walking back towards their direction, he breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Sorry tuan, boleh bawak keluaq lima ratuih ja. Bila Sharifah cuba bawak keluaq, dia asyik failed ja.” Again, it was Faiz doing the talking. Sharifah showed all the receipts they had got from the ATM. There must have been at least five of them.

“Hm,” at this point Razak was no longer in a mood for words. He took the money from Faiz and pocketed the whole wad without counting the banknotes. Azrai was already on the started motorcycle, so Razak just climbed onto the seat behind him.


“Eh tuan!” Faiz almost yelled. Razak reluctantly made eye-contact with him. “Nak IC kami balik tuan?”

THE END

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Settle (PART 4)


After going to the booth to explain to Azrai roughly what he had in mind, both of them got on the motorcycle quickly towards the red Swift, feeling confident that it would still be there, and true enough, it was. The couple inside were still going at it. They sure were going for it. It must’ve been half an hour since they started their session. Razak smiled to Azrai who was behind him on the motorcycle to signal that their operation was a go.

Razak parked the motorcycle right in front of the car, close enough so that the car had no way of going anywhere. They could see that the couple suddenly parted and they sensed what seemed to be panic going on inside the car. Razak was feeling pumped. He got off the motorcycle and immediately banged on the hood of the car. “Keluar! Dua-dua, keluar!” He was sure that his voice could be heard throughout the floor, the parking lot having that echo effect parking lots had.

He made his way to the guy’s side of the car and knocked on the window a little harder than was necessary, but at the same time entirely necessary to bring out the desired effect from the guy. The guy in the blue shirt opened the door and asked “Ya, ada apa tuan?” all innocent and defiant. Razak immediately felt like punching the guy in the face, this pompous prick. 

“Keluar kereta sekarang! Bagi IC! Keluar kereta! Bagi IC!” Razak was improvising his lines at this point. “Dah kawen belum kamu dua ni? Belum kan? Ha, keluar kereta, bagi IC!” He glanced over at Azrai who was at the girl’s door saying more or less the same things as he was. Good, he’s following my lead, thought Razak.

The guy in the blue shirt slowly stepped out of the car. “Nak buat apa dengan IC saya ni Tuan?” the gall of this dude.

“Okay, kalau taknak takpe, jom ikut saya pergi balai,” Razak grabbed the guy’s wrist with his left hand and with his other took out his handcuffs and placed them on the guy’s wrist.

“Okay, okay, saya bawa keluar saya punya IC! Okay?” Ha, tahu pun takut, thought Razak while suppressing a smile. He wanted to pat his own back for how ingenious that spur of the moment action must have been.

“Betul ni? Ke nak ikut saye pergi balai je senang? Bagi IC kat sane je?” Razak couldn’t resist having a little bit of fun with the guy now.

“Betul, saya bagi IC sekarang! Tak perlu pergi balai,” Razak felt sufficiently satisfied by the panic that leaked out of his voice, and let go of the guy’s hand. The guy took his time taking out his wallet from his back pocket and handing over his identity card to Razak. Faiz Hilmi bin Walid was the guy’s name. The address on the card showed that he was from Perlis.

“Ni katanya kau daripada Perlis? Kenapa datang jauh sangat ke sini nak buat maksiat ni?” Razak really wanted this guy to feel guilty, and it seemed to be working.

“Saya kerja kat sini,” Faiz said without even looking at Razak. He stole a glance to the girl.

“Ha, tu yang perempuan tu pun, bak IC.” Razak signalled to Azrai to take hers as well. Azrai brought it over along with the girl, and now both of them were having an audience with Razak. Sharifah Shazana was the girl’s name, and she was from Shah Alam. “Ni yang perempuan ni pun kerja jugak ke?”

The girl hesitated to answer. She looked at Faiz, hoping to get some help from her boyfriend. “Ni, nawab ajelah soalan! Bawak pergi balai kang!” This threat seemed to work well on these two people.

“Cakap ja,” Faiz said to Sharifah.

“Tak, student,” the girl replied meekly. 

“Mana student card?” the question came right from the top of Razak’s head. It seemed like the legit thing to ask, something that a policeman would ask for, right? He looked towards Azrai, and got a nod from him, encouraging him to go on.

The girl handed over her student card from her purse to Razak. She was a student at the private university alright. Razak took a moment to look at the three cards in his hands and thought about how he was about to say what he needed to say next. This was the most important part.

“Ni nak buat camane sekarang?” Razak started. “Saye boleh panggil JAKIM sekarang, diorang bawak pergi pejabat diorang, kene denda dalam tiga ribu ringgit, tahu tak?”

“Tuan, tak perlu lah panggil JAKIM tuan,” Faiz was almost begging, fear shining brightly from his eyes. Razak sighed an internal sigh of relief and proceeded.

“Habis tu?! Korang nak buat sangat benda-benda tak senonoh kan kat tempat macam ni? Ingat orang tak nampak? Eh, berani buat berani tanggung lah!” Razak had to suppress the desire to wink at Azrai. He could feel Azrai nodding for him to go on.

“Ya, kami buat silap tuan, kami mengaku. Kami minta maaf sangat-sangat, kami bersalah, kami mengaku, tapi tak perlu lah panggil JAKIM tuan.” Faiz was even putting his hands together and doing that thing that Thai people do when greeting people.

“Ya lah, tapi minta maaf je tak selesai masalah ni sekarang!” Razak dropped the bait.

“Ya tuan, kami sedar tuan. Tapi tak perlu lah sampai panggil JAKIM tuan. Kita settle cara lain tak boleh ka tuan?” The magic words that Razak was waiting for all along finally came out. Razak had to turn around to hide the grin that had formed on his face.

CLICK HERE FOR PART 5

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Settle (PART 3)


He knew he didn’t mistake what he saw. It was definitely a tallish Malay guy wearing a blue long-sleeve shirt making out with a considerably shorter Malay girl with long hair wearing a black cardigan. He was so shocked by this revelation of events that it took a minute for him to digest it all. He had never seen a Malay couple kissing on the mouth before. Well, at least not in the flesh. Those clips from xvideo didn’t count. The best he had been able to witness up until now were two separate events involving Chinese couples, and they took their action inside their cars, so they didn’t make for very good viewing. 

He was now way on the other side of the parking lot to have another good look at the couple, so he circled round and to his luck, the couple were still hanging out at the same spot, talking awfully close to each other. Razak decided to park his motorcycle not too far away from where the couple were, up against the side of a wall.

From where he sat, he could see the couple still going at it, although all he could really see were the back of the guy’s head. They didn’t seem to notice anything that was going on around them, let alone Razak who felt like he was sufficiently hidden from sight. From time to time they guy would bend his head down and put his face onto the girl’s face. They would stay there for about twenty seconds and then the guy’s head would go back up again and they would seem to talk for a bit before continuing their actions.

Aren’t these people ashamed of themselves? thought Razak. It would be different if they were a Chinese couple, or maybe even an Indian couple, but these people were so obviously Malay that it made him feel ashamed for his own race. If only JAKIM or JAIS came right there and then and took them away, baru padan muka. Maybe then they’d know some shame. Maybe then they’d think about their religions and their races and be more careful about tainting what they represent.

Razak imagined how scared they would be if that were to happen. The guy would probably try to run away, leave the girl behind, because he could tell that the guy was a coward. If he was a real man, he would have asked for the girl’s hand in marriage la kan? Then they wouldn’t have to mess around with making out in a parking lot when they could just easily go to the privacy of their own home and get it on as much as they wanted over there.

His train of thought was interrupted by the guy in the blue shirt taking a few steps back. The girl went inside the car into the driver’s seat, and before closing the door, said a few words to the guy before closing it. Razak thought it might be over, but then the guy walked around the car, opened the passenger door and went inside the car as well. The car engine was started and it seemed like they were going to drive away. Please don’t go, thought Razak. For some reason he hadn’t had enough yet. 

Luckily for Razak, they didn’t seem like they were in a hurry to go anywhere. From where Razak was sitting on his motorcycle, they seemed to be talking. After about a minute of that, He could see the guy leaning over to be very close to the girl. It looked like they had decided to continue their make out session. Without really noticing it, Razak exhaled a sigh of relief.

Just then, Razak had an idea. He texted Azrai: Jai, ko bgn lom? Ad cple tgh wat projek ni. Aq igt nk ajr diorang skit.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Settle (PART 2)


After buying himself a box of cigarettes, Razak decided to take a ride around the parking lots. It was nearing 8.00pm, so it was as good a time as any. All that sitting around playing CoC started to make him feel a little guilty, but his phone was in need of charging, so it couldn’t have been avoided. Azrai was the one who should be feeling guilty, since all he did was sleep for the past half-hour.

Riding around on the motorcycle during those times didn’t leave too much to behold. Heck, any time at all was just about the same thing: people going to or from their cars to wherever they needed to go or had just been. 

The people who parked there was a mixture of private university students, office workers and employees of the shops along the block. There were quite a number of foreign workers as well who worked at the various nasi kandar restaurants as cooks or waiters. Razak always thought that if any trouble was to happen, they would be the primary suspects. They always made Razak feel uncomfortable, speaking in their native languages, speaking funnily even when they spoke in Malay. Razak always had a laugh whenever Azrai makes fun of their accents from time to time. He does it so well that it was hard not to laugh. Bodoh punya Azrai.

The parking lots were well-lit. The management invested in fluorescent lighting throughout to floors and floors of parking spaces that made it that much safer for people to park in. Because of this, there were rarely any surprises for him to chance upon. He’s even noticed that some couples, upon seeing him riding towards their direction on his motorbike, let go of each others’ hands, mostly Malay couples, those girls that wear headscarves especially. 

Maybe they saw him as an authority in Islam too. That made him feel good about himself. He did get a B in his Pendidikan Islam SPM papers, so he did know quite a bit about his own religion. Plus, he had been watching (and sharing) Ustaz Azhar Idrus videos on Facebook, so one could say that his knowledge in Islam was pretty extensive. He’d usually just stare down the couple while riding slowly past them. They would usually avoid eye contact.

It makes him shake his head, that these people can be afraid of him, but aren’t afraid of The Almighty, that is always watching. Don’t they know that even when he’s not watching, God is? These people, don’t even have the basics of religion. What good is your high paying job, your fancy cars and your private university education if you don’t even know the basics? Razak sighs for what his generation has become.


Razak snapped out of his deep thoughts when he noticed a couple by a red Suzuki Swift. They couple were making by the side of the car. The girl wasn’t wearing a tudung, so they must be a Chinese couple, thought Razak. Even so, this wasn’t something that happened everyday, so he kept his eyes on them when passing them. As soon as he did zoom past them, they became wary of the motorcycle, so they parted. Razak could now see that they were a Malay couple.

Settle (PART 1)

This is a work of fiction.

“Lenguh sial punggung,” complained Razak in his mind as he stood up from his chair and half stretched the lower half of his body. He had been sitting behind that desk in the small police booth in Kota Yarra for a good hour or so, playing Clash of Clans on his phone. Now that it was fully charged, he unplugged his S4 from the charger and stepped around his desk and made his way outside, just barely avoiding being tripped by his asleep colleague’s feet.

Once outside, Razak took out the last cigarette from his box of Dunhills, crumpled the empty box and chucked it to the side, not really caring about where it landed. His left hand placed the cigarette in between his lips while the other hand patted his pockets for his lighter. It wasn’t there. 

Upon remembering where, or rather, to whom he left it with, he went back inside and kicked Azrai’s feet to wake him up. “Hoi, lighter,” his voice strained more than he would have liked, cigarette still safely secured between his teeth.

Azrai took his time waking up, which ticked Razak off so much so that after the third time he asked, Razak took it upon himself to take the lighter from Azrai’s left breast pocket. Once he got the yellow Cricket in his hands, he flashed it a little too close to Azrai’s face for him to be able to see it before walking out the booth while lighting up the cig.

It was just another boring day for him at the Kota Yarra shophouse complex. It may have been called that, but 80% of the complex was dedicated to parking spaces, so what Razak and Azrai do during their 10 hour-shifts is basically ride around the floors of parking lots on their motorcycles. They’ve been on this location for three weeks now, and they were decidedly bored out of their brains since day one.

People seem to paint parking lots as a really dangerous place, where people get robbed and cars get smashed up regularly. But whatever action that people seem to be so scared about doesn’t seem to apply to this particular parking area. And Razak has all but lost all hope in him ever being able to nab a burglar here in this uppity place where parking costs six ringgit per hour. Azrai reasoned that the crooks couldn’t even afford to stake out the place, what with the exorbitant rate and not to mention the presence of a police booth smack dab in the middle of it all.

Whatever the reason, Razak still wished for somebody, anybody to be stupid enough to pull something dumb around here. A little bit of action wasn’t so much to ask, was it?

After finishing his cigarette, he crushed it under the sole of his shoe and decided to ride the motorcycle to the nearby 7-Eleven to restock on his Dunhills. Good thing he was still single. Most of his friends that have married could only afford those Indonesian contrabands that taste even cheaper than they cost. Some even quit smoking altogether, those chumps.

CLICK HERE FOR PART 2