So this week has been a real busy one, and I’m not begrudging it. The main reason for this busy-ness is the theatre rehearsals that I have been attending every night of the week. I enjoy rehearsing, but it takes up the whole of my night. I end up arriving home late and tired, so I’d just end up going to bed without having done any writing. I wake up in the morning both wanting so much to fall back asleep while also having to prepare for school in the afternoon. This is me giving excuses as to why I haven’t been writing on the blog as of late. Bad Anwar, bad.
Yesterday, during rehearsals, a producer asked me what I look like when I think. The only answer I could give at the time was “I do most of my thinking in the shower”. And this morning, while I was in the shower, I thought about that answer. I asked myself whether that answer was actually true. And to a certain extent, I think it is. But the kinds of thoughts I have in the shower tend to stay there. I am aware that I am thinking, but I am unaware of what I have been thinking about by the time I get out of the shower. I never really figure stuff out. I just sit there and marinate with random thoughts for as long as droplets of water are hitting my body.
The producer also asked me what I looked like if I were thinking on the sofa (because in the play, I play a character who is siting on a sofa, and he’s supposed to be thinking). So I answered truthfully (?) that I don’t think on the sofa. I watch Netflix on the sofa. And so he asked me to act that out. And it was a fun rehearsal session where we got to explore some things. But then I still wanted to know when I did my thinking, if it wasn’t in the shower. And I wanted to know when I figured stuff out, because it’s rarely done in the shower.
The answer that I arrive at is when I’m writing. Before and while I write, I think. I try to form a cohesive thought, and convey that cohesion (or lack thereof) in the writing. I ask myself, “okay so what am I thinking? What happened that made me think about that? What does this and that mean? Why do I think that? Am I wrong in thinking this? What makes me think that I’m right? Is this or that a problem? If it is, how do I solve it?” and so on and so forth, until I think I have nothing to write anymore about that thought, or at least until I’m too tired to continue typing anything else.
Besides that, I also form thoughts and opinions while having conversations. I find that when I’m trying to hold a healthy back and forth with another person, I tend to examine what I say. I form my sentences in my head and do what I can to make sure they make sense before vocalising them. I self-correct and self-doubt almost everything that comes out of my mouth, so that means thinking is happening. I also like it when people ask me questions. In forming my answers, I think about stuff and get stuff figured out before or while throwing my thoughts out there. Another thing I like about conversations is that I can hear a different (and probably better-informed) perspective to my thoughts so that I can build a more informed understanding of myself and the world around me.
I notice that I like it when I have to materialise my thoughts. That way, I can look at them, listen to them, stare at them, examine them outside of myself and be in a better position to be critical of them. That’s why I make an effort to write my thoughts. That’s why I like it when in-depth, thoughtful conversations happen to me. Because then I get to learn about myself, examine myself and possibly, ideally bring myself to a better perspective of myself and the thoughts I hold.
Here’s to writing and conversations.
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