Warisannya Apa

So, latest song in my rap endeavour has been put up. I actually put a proper hook in this one, but it only appears once. 

Because I'm in no state to write very much, I'll leave you with the lyrics and a bit of explanation about what it's about.

Warisannya Apa 
(listen at https://soundcloud.com/inianwarhadi/warisannya-apa )

bina satu lagi montaj populis
bunyi-bunyi dikerat
aku urut pelipis
cuba lahir dari faraj minda altruis
pastikan isi tak berat
minimakan analisis
tabur kata-kata manis
pastikan ia divarnis
maksud sedalam epidermis
dapatkan hatian jurnalis
tunjukkan hidup elitis
peragakan riak dramatis
lirik tak perlu gramatis
asalkan puas hedonis
dah cukup
kalau hendak meletup
badan tak boleh tutup
orang suruh kau angguk
kiri kanan ditiup
bila perlu kau celup
ini lumrahnya hidup
seni jadi periuk
jadi janganlah tutup
kertas kau kena kuncup
apa lensa suruh kau kena sanggup

tanam-tanamlah tepi bibir
tak perlu fikir, jangan difikir

apa kebaikan yang aku berikan pada dunia?
apakah akhiran yang telah dituliskan selesainya nyawa?
umurku dah nak mencecah enam puluh tiga
tiada siapa jawab bila ditanya "warisannya apa?"

keluar pergi dinner dengan datin-datin?
waktu umur muda waktu jilat lubang cincin?
waktu umur tua cuba usaha untuk kekal relevan?
untuk kekal kaya buat apa saja, biar jadi musyrikin?

*

The song's about this one character that appears in Kedai Kopi by Malique feat. Salam Musik. I guess you could say this song could be what he wrote in his diary, if he chose to have one.

Kedai Hopi is a mad good song. I can only hope to get that good one day, years and years into the future.

Where There Is Hope, There Is Hope

I had very little knowledge of the mental illness called depression, until I came across a book called “Kill The Damn Dog”, by Sally Brampton at a Big Bad Wolf book sale a couple of years back. The book recounts the author’s ongoing battle with depression, how she went about learning about the illness that she had, what she learned from all her reading and conversations with doctors, the treatments she went through to get better, the bad days and the worse days that she had to go through, her attempts at suicide, and pretty much anything else you could think about when you think about depression.

One of the first things she was quick to point out to the readers was that depression was indeed a sickness, and one cannot just “cut it out” and “stop being sad”. It would be about as ridiculous as telling someone who has AIDS to just “get better”. Main point being: depression is not to be taken lightly. I highly recommend the book if you want to learn about depression.

Reading about depression is, well, depressing. You get to read the unfiltered thoughts of a depressed person and what that person had to go through because of a disease. I guess reading about any life-threatening disease would do that to you. But then again, I haven’t really read too many books about life-threatening diseases, have I?

It’s especially depressing when you identify with what the author has to say. You find yourself nodding and just knowing what it feels like to go through what the author went through, although not to that extreme, but it’s within the same ballpark, and that’s scary stuff. It took me close to two months to get through that book, simply because I couldn’t stand to read it for more than a few pages at a time without being too scared to carry on reading and feeling that it was just too much to take in all at once.

Sally Brampton made it through, and even got to write a book about it. She does stress that it doesn’t really go away at all. It’s just that some days are not as bad as some other days, and she just has to take it one day at a time. 

A childhood hero of mine, Robin Williams, didn’t make it. It got too much for him, he went over the threshold and displayed the final symptom of the disease: suicide. I remember feeling so much of a loss in the world when that news got to me, I was paralysed by sadness for a few moments and couldn’t even move.

One cannot hope to triumph over the disease, yet, hope is the only thing that keeps one together in the head. And so long as hope prevails against despair, there is still hope.

Wisdom and Courage

When you reach a certain age, the people around you expect you to have a sense of wisdom about you. You’ve gone through the grind of life and have made mistakes along the way, hopefully learning from those mistakes. That learning is where you gain that wisdom. But when you fail to display that wisdom, you turn out disappointing a lot of people. People who look up to you, especially.

But of course, no one is free from making mistakes. They do not escape you, no matter at what point in life you are at. Wisdom (and maturity) would dictate that, upon realising that one has made a mistake, one  should express remorse towards one's actions and try to make up for it.

But of course, that is contingent upon one realising that they have made a mistake and are brave enough to own up to it in the first place. May all of us be blessed with people who remind us of common decency and also be given the courage to do what’s right, even when it’s difficult to do.

First English Language Society Meet

Earlier today, I attended my first English Language Society (ELS) meeting as a teacher. I had always been an ELS teacher since I entered the school, but this was the first time my school schedule was shaped in a way that allowed me to attend a meeting. Before this, I always had a class to teach while the clubs were in session. It was a new experience, but in a sense, it wasn’t, either. I’ll explain that a bit later.

The students that made up the members of the ELS were standard 4, 5 and 6 students from all levels of proficiency. Some were well-versed in English, while most were at a below average to low level of proficiency. These students didn’t choose to be in this particular club. They were assigned with clubs, so it is the responsibility of the teachers to do the best with what we had to help increase the students’ level of interest towards the language. A daunting task, if I may say so myself.

For this first activity, we decided to go with a game of charades, with most of the items that the students having to act out being movies that were perceived to be popular among kids their age. Conducting the activity felt familiar to me, since I’ve conducted such activities before during my teacher training days. We had ELS there too, and we had to come up with and conduct our own activities, our lecturers playing the role of observer and provider of guidance. I had also done language-game-programmes with school children in the past, so I drew on that experience to conduct this one as a full-time teacher.

What I could observe from conducting the game was that, while most of the students understood the premise of the game, not all of them knew all of the movies that were presented to them. Some kids would come up to the front to act out a movie, but upon reading what they had to convey to their friends, they had no idea what movie was written on the paper (one didn’t even know Harry Potter). This caused the game to go through hiccups and lulls, since some would have no idea what to do in front, and resorted to just standing in front of the rest of the society until the time ran out.

This made me think about how we sometimes take it for granted that other people share our own interests and, in this case, have watched the movies we have watched, when in reality, it is far removed from the truth. We got to get through eight turns during the game earlier, and only three were answered correctly by the students. That’s a low percentage of success, showing that the students really have not watched most of the movies that we thought everyone would have watched within the past three years (such as Batman, Harry Potter and Guardians of the Galaxy).

There are several reasons to explain the lack of proficiency in the majority of students in my school, and one of the main ones is the lack of exposure. They simply have not been exposed enough to material in English, things that were my main sources of learning such as TV shows, movies and songs. I am of the opinion that if they were to be shown more such English language materials, their proficiency would shoot up significantly, but only if that exposure was consistent and interesting to them.

I tried showing Frozen to one of my standard 3 classes last year, and a group of students walked away from the show five minutes into the movie. When asked why they didn’t want to watch, they said that they found the movie boring.

An approach that worked for us and some other people not necessarily means it’ll work for others. That is the challenge of the English as a second language (ESL) teacher. To find something that works for all students, and to keep it engaging so that interest in learning doesn’t diminish along the way.

Liker-Hater

So today was a bit of a weird day. Just a bit, though. I published the latest song in my rap endeavour on SoundCloud, Propagandis (you can listen to it here: www.soundcloud.com/inianwarhadi ). I discuss a number of things in this song such as depression, societal ills and the struggle against our inner demons.

This song was a little different than what I’ve done previously in a couple of ways. Firstly, I actually wrote the lyrics to this song first, before making a beat for it. I just established a tempo for myself and freehanded the verses without having any idea what sounds would go in the background. Because of this, there are obvious parts in the song where the lyrics don’t fit into the beat very well. In rapper-speak, you’d say that the flow wasn’t much on point. To make it better suit the beat, I could have rewrote those parts of the lyrics, but being the pemalas that I am, I stuck with them the way they were.

This song was also longer than any of my previous tracks. I usually aim for 16 bars of rap for one song, but for this one, I made 32 bars (that’s twice as long). Actual rappers produce 32 bars of rap on the regular, often twice in one song excluding the hook/chorus, so it isn’t really any mean feat by me, but it is progress in the sense that I have proven to myself that I am capable of writing more. I’ve set a new bar for myself in the length of work that I have to put in, so let’s hope I can reach this new bar regularly in the songs that are written from this point on. Baby steps, man. Baby steps.

Having said that, I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback from this one track so far from people on twitter. I am very grateful that people are willing to listen to my stuff, let alone say that they like what they are hearing. I am humbled.

I know that I haven’t produced any really significant work yet, since I have yet to have haters in the song-writing arena. I am actually of the belief that if you have haters, then you’re doing something meaningful, because people hate seeing other people doing meaningful work. But this isn't to say that having haters is the only marker of success. People shouldn’t strive to gain haters. That’s just plain ridiculous. 

Here’s how I see it. You need to keep an eye on your liker:hater ratio. If your haters form the minority of your feedback base, then you’re doing good and should continue doing whatever you’re doing. But if your haters actually form the majority of the pack, then you should take a step back and re-examine what you’re doing, whether you actually believe in the work you’re doing or if it’s bringing any good to the world. Have another look at your minority of likers, and try to understand why they like you anyway, even though a lot more people are haters. Do they have something to gain from liking your stuff? Do they give their honest opinions on your work? Are they still reasonable in their actions and defence of their taste? Once you’ve observed and found the answers to these questions, and if you’re honest with yourself, then you can decide whether or not to continue on the path that you’ve chosen or modify your approach.

At least that’s how I see it.

Of Youtube Videos and Going Far

So I’ve just spent (read: wasted) a whole buncha time watching episode after episode of The Fine Brothers’ Youtubers React. There was just something about seeing people watch weird things and reacting to them that just draws you in and makes you want to watch more and more.

I also liked it because I got to watch some of my Youtube heroes (Phillip DeFranco, Shane Dawson, Nigahiga, Hank Green, SourceFed) talk about not only viral videos, but also insert some social commentary and share their views on how the internet has changed us and the society that we live in, about why people are attracted to certain kinds of content and why people are the way they are. We don’t get to see that side of the Youtubers much, so it’s refreshing to see them not play a character and just be chill and talk like they usually would out in real life on issues that they have valid opinions on.

It also made me think about how together they are as a Youtube community and how everyone seems to know everyone or have at least met each other at some point or other. It may be because they live around the same are (Los Angeles), but it’s also because there’s an unmistakable sense of community in that ambiguous internet space that is called Youtube. 

It made me think back to a thing that I proposed a while back through one of my videos, which was AYAM (Angkatan Youtubers Anak Malaysia). Back when I made that video, I had a vision of maybe being part of that community as well, us all being Malaysians and making videos and uploading them on Youtube every now and again. Collaboration between content creators would be common and it would be exciting and we would love to work on each others’ projects.

I have been fortunate enough to have been able to work on videos with some fellow Malaysian video makers that I hold in high regard, such as Aiman Azlan, MatLuthfi, KyoPropaganda, and Mentol Pecah to name a few. Those were good times, really. The experience of making something with people you admire, really good feeling, that. And I had fun doing it, too.

I still remember Aiman Azlan calling me up and saying “hey, let’s make a video!” and coming to my house to tell me the idea he had, and we worked on our scripts (him making the English version and me making the Malay version) after we had a clear idea of how the video would go. It was really good, bouncing ideas off each other, suggesting this, improving on that, and finally just shooting it and having a hoot doing it. We were just two dudes, talking to a camera, running and jumping around, striking poses every now and again. Just a couple of typical 21 year olds having loads of fun. I think it came off well in the end products too. You can watch the video that we made together here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KS3iqtDsKk

Mentol Pecah tried to do something along the lines of the AYAM idea I had and made a video which collected footage from a host of Malaysian video makers and turned it into a nicely put video. You can watch that one here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79F9NgN0UO0

Having said that, a lot of Malaysians that made Youtube videos that I watch regularly the past few years have slowed down significantly (namely MatLuthfi, KyoPropaganda, Aiman Azlan) because, much like myself, they’ve got other things going on in their lives, and making Youtube videos just isn’t one of the main ones. 

I was kind of sort of hoping that there’d be new, good content (even better) content creators out there to make Youtube videos in their spare time, but I haven’t been able to see any evidence of that. That may be because I’m becoming and old geezer who has a full-time job and is no longer cool. There might be a host of quality content out there that I just don’t know of, since I’m out of the loop and have become irrelevant (well, become irrelevant tu dah lama dah sebenarnya).

Jumping back on the AYAM thing earlier, yeah, I still believe it would be a great thing to have. If not officially (y’know, with merchandise and secret handshakes and everything), then unofficially. Just a circle of friends that are also video-makers, who make videos regularly, push each other to make quality content and collaborate with each other to learn from each other and become not only better video-makers, but also better human beings, hopefully. But maybe that’s just the idealist in me talking. Maybe real is this: us going about our own ways, doing what we want to, whenever we want to, without bothering to see what our peers are doing. It brings about progress of some kind jugak, kan? It’s something.

I am reminded of the saying: if you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together. 

I guess I am a person who wants to go far.

Looking Back and Forward

So February’s here. Looking back at January, I did a few things, failed at a few things. Let’s scrutinise this in the following paragraphs.

Writing every damn day didn’t happen. I wrote on most days, yes, but not every damn day. On some days, I couldn’t because I was away from home for busy-ing reasons and couldn’t get time in front of the laptop to type out my thoughts, or couldn’t find any wifi around, so didn’t bother typing anything. There were there times when I simply didn’t have anything to write about, and after staring at a blank page for some time, fell asleep in front of the laptop to wake up the next day, having to rush to work. It all comes down to bad planning and bad time management.

But it ain’t all that bad, as much as I want to put myself down and see myself as a pathetic little piece of poop. Within the month of January in the year 2015, I have updated the blog the most times within a month throughout this blog’s existence (20 times), so that’s progress, right? All’s I got to do is be more focussed and determined in the next months to surpass even that within this next month.

It won’t be easy though. February will bring about a few things that shall make it difficult for me to get in front of the laptop to write regularly. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but there’ll be a couple of weekends that’ll be busy for me, namely the weekend in which one of my good friends will be getting married way out in Johor as well as the weekend when my book shall be published (28th of February!) at Kinokuniya, KLCC. I might also be attending Englishjer’s EJ Camp that same weekend, but we’ll see how that one goes. I sure hope I am able to make it though.

On the songwriting front, I uploaded 7 original songs onto my SoundCloud ( www.soundcloud.com/inianwarhadi ) throughout the past month, averaging almost two tracks per week, which isn’t too bad. It falls short of my goal of one song every three days, admittedly, but I’m not too bummed out about it. I honestly felt that I would never be able to write songs as regularly as I have this past month, but look at me, writing songs anyway. I feel like I’m getting better at it now, but I’ll let you be the judge of that.

However, my reading every damn day has taken a terrible fall. Terrible terrible terrible. I haven’t been reading as much as I should, on some days not at all, and this is absolutely bad. I must must get my head back together to sit down everyday and flip through those few pages that’ll open up my mind, make me think, make me learn and hopefully make me a better person. I’ve been on the same book for weeks now, and it’s about time I plough through it.

*

In February, the goals will be about the same as the last month, with the addition of making the Book Club idea happen. Looking over the calendar, it might just happen on the 21st or the 22nd of February. If it does happen, you can be sure that I’ll write about it. If you don’t know what the Book Club idea is, you may read about it here: http://anakazman.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-book-club-idea.html

So, in February:

- read every damn day

- write every damn day

- upload two new songs every week

- make Book Club Idea happen

May you have a good month ahead!