Theatre Audition

So earlier today I was privileged enough to attend an audition for a short play that shall be staged at the end of February at Damansara Performing Arts Centre. I found out about the call to audition through twitter and decided to give it a try.

That decision was made, however, rather late. Like 24 hours before the auditions were held was when I told myself that I would give it a go. After recording the book review I wanted to record and uploading it to Youtube, I looked for monologues to use for the audition.

The poster for the audition asked for a five-minute-long monologue, but after googling monologues for an hour, I found out that most contemporary monologues last 1 minute, 2 minutes tops. The longer ones come from Shakespearean plays, something I wasn't too psyched about having to read and perform with less than 12 hours to practice.

I settled for two one-minute monologues, and hoped that the people on the other side of the audition table would understand. The first one I settled on was a monologue from the movie V For Vendetta, when the masked character, V, introduced himself to the lead female character. I chose it because it seemed challenging to execute, but at the same time not too tough that I would struggle too badly with reciting it. I wanted to showcase my ability to articulate and enunciate dialogue clearly.

The second one I chose was from the movie Dead Poet's Society. I chose that one because Robin Williams is great, I love that movie and I was already a full-time teacher, so to put myself in the shoes of a teacher being in front of a class would be easier for me and I thought I could pull it off convincingly enough, given the limited time I had to practice.

I spent an hour or so going over the lines of the two monologues and tried to determine where the louder and quieter bits were so that my reading would seem dynamic and look more like a performance than just a plain reading of text. I listened and adjusted for pauses while doing the monologues and went to bed really sleepy.

This morning I woke up and went over my lines again. I recorded both the monologues before going out of the house so that I could listen to them during the drive there. That helped a lot, I think.

When I arrived at the place of the audition, one other person was already there, a person I knew from programmes with EnglishJer. He was a cool guy that was inclined towards the arts as well, so I knew he liked this sort of thing. I had to wait for his session to finish before going into the audition room. I was given the play script in the meantime by a producer and was asked to pick a scene to read for the audition later.

By the time the other guy's session finished, I heard claps and cheers from the people on the other side of the table. They seemed to like the dude's work, so that added pressure in my mind. I had to calm myself down by saying to myself that it's okay if I don't get this thing pun. Just give it a shot and leave the results to those who were supposed to make that decision. I told myself that I just had to do what I had prepared to do, and that was it.

When I went into the audition room, the producer was cool enough to have a short interview session with me to know me and my background in theatre a little better. He asked questions that were pertinent to the work such as "why do you like theatre?" and "how did you prepare for the audition?" I think they were good questions because from the answers they would get a feel for my attitude towards the work and how dedicated I was or wasn't in trying to pull it off. They needed dedicated people in their team, so asking these questions were important to understand the people that they were going to potentially work with.

After answering the questions, I performed my monologues and did a scene from the script they gave me. I think it went okay. The people on the other side of the table thanked me and I thanked them in return for the opportunity. They said that they would contact me in a couple of days if there were any updates. I left feeling alright. Credit goes to them for making me feel comfortable doing what I had to do. They were welcoming and warm. They put on a serious front, of course, but made it clear that they wanted me to be as comfortable as I could in order to execute the monologue and scene the best to my ability. I have to remember to do the same if ever I am in their position in the future.

And now I'm at a coffee shop typing all this out. Getting hungry. Kena pi cari makanan.

Here's to being warm and welcoming in a serious environment.

The Knife's Got Reflections by Mia Sallehudin [Book Review] [Vlog Script]

Assalamualaikum and hello there!

Been a while but here’s the review!

[what is the book about]

The Knife’s Got Reflections by Mia Sallehudin published by Terfaktab Vine is a story about an a very talented young chef named Nuha who has a love interest in the form of an already established cook named Zef.

Their relationship seems to drift apart when Nuha goes to Dubai to work in a restaurant over there, and this is when she befriends Laith, thus starting a LOVE TRIANGLE!

Nuha comes back to Malaysia, and resumes her relationship with Zef, gets engaged and gets stood up on her wedding day. She gets sad for a while before opening her own restaurant, and then Laith comes and proposes to her.

Cool? Cool.

[what i liked about the book]

I like that I got an insight into the life journey of a chef. I got to find out what it’s like to be a chef in real life, the struggles of a chef, what chefs tend to think about and all that jazz.

Since I am not a cook nor do I have any friends who are cooks, I appreciate being able to read about what being a cook entails.

And the scene where Nuha has to salam cium tangan her makciks and call off the wedding, that was something new that I appreciated. I’m a sucker for localised narratives, and the cium tangan scene was really something.

[what I didn’t like about the book]

Having said that, it still is, at the end of the day, a love-triangle story, and in that story I was able to salvage very few bits that I found interesting.

It also sounded rather preachy in what Nuha has to say about cooks, likes she’s defending the profession from critics that existed only inside her brain, but not inside the story. 

One particular passage highlights this point, in page 154 when she seems to be addressing the reader directly by telling us, “cooking with passion will take up most of your heart. You may not have much left to do anything else. Some of the people I knew didn’t even have enough left for things like personal relationships and family. So you better make up your mind.”

Thing about it is, the story itself shows that you can be a highly successful cook while having a fulfilling personal life, so this ranty paragraph becomes moot. 

A big chunk of the first few chapters were explanations of cooking techniques that wouldn’t interest a noob in cooking such as myself. Have a pause here to read part of a paragraph from page 37. I understand that some people might find all that interesting, but I’m reading this book for a story, not ways to prepare food.

I guess I would have appreciated more restraint on behalf of the author in regards to this.

I wish I liked the main character more, but I just didn’t. There’s this one bit where she admits that she was not most people (I wasn’t most people, page 50), but then buys an I-Love-Budapest t-shirt as a souvenir literally two pages later. Somebody has to tell her that “most people” buy that shirt as souvenirs.

[nak rekemen buku ni kat sapa]

I would recommend this book to anybody who wants to gain a better insight into what the journey to become a chef might look like. I think aspiring chefs would appreciate this book a lot more than I do.

Overall, it took me a long time to finish this book for a reason. I just didn’t find it very page-turning. I think that the story at the crux of it is meh and the storytelling is similarly meh.

I think the author can write. They just have to find a more interesting story to tell, in my opinion.

If you’ve read the book, what did you think about it? Leave your comments below, especially if you disagree with what I had to say about the book! I’d love to read what you think and or feel about the book.

The next video will be a list of books that I’ll be talking about in 2017, so look out for that one.

And I think that’s it for this video, until next time, may peace be upon you!

Problem Of The Ego

So the more I am around on Earth going through this human experience, the more I realise that I have an issue with managing my anger which comes from my ego. I have an ego problem and I don't think it's at all healthy to have, so I'll have to examine it and think up of ways to better deal with it.

I think the first time I realised that such a thing existed within me was when I watched a Nouman Ali Khan video a handful of years ago. He talked about ego within the people in the Muslim community, and I find it to be somewhat applicable to people in general, although that might take a bit of a reinterpretation of what he's saying in the video. If you'd like to watch it (and I highly recommend that you do), please click here.

In the video, Mr Khan talks about certain people who tend to develop a certain way of viewing the world in which they take offence to other people all the time for the smallest of reasons. The example that he gave was when a person who is being a makmum in a congregational prayer hears that the imam is mispronouncing certain parts of a surah or the tajweed is off, and they'd dwell on it and resent that that person is saying it wrong or saying it not the way they would. This becomes one of the identifiers of an ego problem within oneself.

One with an ego problem feels like they are more knowledgeable and worthy than other people, regardless of what that thing may be, be it material possessions or religious positions. There is an undeniable paradox that exists when a person gets egotistical about their religious knowledge, when religious knowledge was always meant to humble those who receive it.

And I know that I have that problem. I've known since I watched that video all those years ago, and even though I try to manage it, it comes up and messes with my brain. I'd get angry for no good reason, such as when a person talks to me certain way, a way in which I wouldn't. I would get all muddled up inside dwelling on it, thinking that on the one hand, I have this feeling of superiority against this other person, but on the other hand trying my best to not let that feeling manifest itself in my actions. At the same time I'm conflicted and feel guilty for feeling superior and beat myself up inside my head for ever thinking that I was better than anybody else in anything at all.

And in those moments, I grow silent and go peak introvert, because I'm having these conversations in my head that say "Ugh, I'm angry!" and "Ugh, I shouldn't be angry!" and even "Ugh, I'm such a terrible human being for feeling angry in the first place!" at the same time. I never know how to deal with these thoughts, and I don't know how to lower my ego to a point where I don't get angry anymore about such trivial things.

Some would say that I'd have to go on a spiritual journey, like read the Quran more, zikir more often, solat sunat tahajjud and whatnot. And they might have a point. Maybe the solutions to my problems lies on outward expressions of faith instead of inward introspection. Or maybe those outward expressions of faith may lead me to a more guided and well-built inward introspection. One can only try to see if it works. But will I? There's lies the question.

Here's to Nouman Ali Khan for being a great guy.

Listening To Debbie Millman

So before writing this post, I was running. Running is a thing I have wanted to introduce as a regular feature in my life for quite some time now, not because I particularly enjoy it, but because I believe in its health benefits. I would much rather play rugby for my health, but my current schedule won't permit it. And even if I did have the time, there is the added burden of looking for a new bunch of people to play with, since I've moved. So I'm stuck with running for now.

But as with any other of my endeavours, they fail to have any sort of longevity. But I've been doing it for three weeks now, so that's something. And in that time, I've realised something about myself: the last thing I want to think about while I'm running is running. So I get to choose between three things to distract me from the fact that I'm running while doing it which are: podcasts, Netflix shows and songs. What I end up choosing depends on what mood I'm in on that particular evening.

Earlier today I chose podcasts, and I listened to The Tim Ferriss Show, more specifically to one of the more recent episodes in which he talks with Debbie Millman. Debbie Millman is a writer, designer and the host of the podcast "Design Matters". This episode was the first time I had ever heard of her, and I'm glad that I did because she is such an interesting person to listen to and hear the life story of. The episode is called "How To Design A Life", so if you're into design or just interesting people in general, I highly recommend it. If you want to give it a listen (it's a long one, just so you know), click here.

I want to talk about three points she made in the conversation that I found remarkable. The first one is her realisation of what she really wanted in life. For decades, she had thought that what she really wanted was financial stability and being self-sufficient. But within this past couple of years, she has realised that she had been lying to herself all this time. What she really wanted was to stay in Manhattan, the most expensive city in the world. Everything she did, all the decisions she made was based on that condition. She did everything she could to be able to stay in Manhattan, even if it meant living in deplorable conditions in a rented room four flights of stairs up.

What astounded me was that it took her all those years to realise that she had been lying to herself and to finally find out what her true motivations were. So she asked into the microphone, "have a think about the one thing that you truly couldn't live without," and it prompted me to have a think about my answer. And at this point in my life, I would want to answer self-sufficiency. I want to be able to provide for myself and the people I care most about, no matter where I am or what I do. But because I am a product of privilege, in my mind I am always not too far away from being able to move onto something else that might pay the bills if I didn't like what I was doing at any particular moment in time. Because of the incredible luck I've had throughout my life, I've been able to get to where I am and aspire to go even further in the future. So I still have doubt over my answer of self-sufficiency being what I truly need. Maybe I'm too young to discover the truth and to look beyond my own lie. Only time will tell, but for now that's what I feel like my answer is.

The second thing from the podcast episode was a piece of advice that Debbie gave the listeners, which was a piece of advice that one of her teachers gave her. She instructed the listeners to imagine that the date was exactly this day, but ten years in the future (so as of writing this piece, 20th January 2027) and imagine what an ideal life of yours would look like. If you had the option of never failing anything ever in anything that you choose to do with your life, what would it look like in ten years. Debbie asked us to be as specific as possible, from the moment one wakes up to the moment they go to bed again, what does that ideal, completely successful version of future you's day look like? Once you've written it, keep it safe and reread it once a year every year.

She said that all the things she wrote 12 years ago have come true today, and it was surreal for her to go through. She also says that she tells her students to do the same, and students from a decade ago have sent her letters saying that the things they wrote had come true too. So it's proven to be a very powerful thing in quite a few people's lives. I wish to take on this exercise one day in what remains in January 2017. I'll most probably put it here for safekeeping.

The third thing was the story of the hardest decision she had to make in her life, which was to turn down the offer to become CEO of a company that she had worked for for decades. She said no to it ultimately because she felt like that would be going down the same path in life as she had already gone for so long at a time when she felt like she needed to switch paths. It was a hard decision for her because the job was a comfort zone for her, since she knew the company and what the company needed and how to do the job properly. Plus, she wouldn't have to wonder how to pay the bills if she were the CEO for a while.

But she said something to the effect of, "people often look at an offer and become afraid to turn it down because they somehow, in their brains, dismiss the fact that other, different offers may and do come in the future. People think that by saying no to this one thing, no other thing is going to pop up, when in reality, loads of things always keep popping up. Some things need that initial offer to be off the table first before presenting itself to you, so we have to keep that in mind when making decisions." I paraphrased super-heavily in that quote, I apologise.

But it reminded me of what video-maker Casey Neistat once said about life's progress being akin to Tarzan swinging from tree vine to tree vine. He can't move on until he lets go of the previous vine and starts reaching for a new one. He'll stay in the same place forever if he doesn't learn to let go of the tree vines.

So how these two quotes relate to me is that (and I think this is no secret) I'm going to have to let go of this tree vine that is being a school teacher in order to pursue other, more interesting things to me. And it's a scary decision to want to make, since there's no safety in that. There's all the safety in a government school teaching job. The pay's good, it's noble work in that teachers help mould the future generations, all that jazz.

But I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel like I'm growing. I always feel like I'm stagnant. I even sometimes feel like the more I stay on as a teacher, the more I become this person I despise. A person that's egotistical, lacks integrity, demands respect when he hasn't earn it, looks down on other people. Maybe that's just a flaw in my own character, and it doesn't matter what kind of work I do. If I'm a douche, I'll be a douche doing anything. But because I've only ever been a full-time teacher, I can't say for certain that I'll stay the same doing something else.

At the same time, I see people that become the best versions of themselves because they are teachers. The profession brings out the best in them. I feel like I need to go on a journey to find what that profession is for myself, because I'm pretty sure it isn't being a primary school teacher.

The other day I scolded a kid because they hid a book from me. It was petty of me to do that, to feel slighted by a nine year old who didn't know any better. I left the class feeling as disgusted with myself as I had ever felt. I keep thinking that the sooner I'm taken away from these kids the better. They deserve better than me. So much better than the piece of trash that is me.

Here's to letting go and moving forward.

Being Rear-Ended

So while I was driving to to school earlier today, I got hit by a car from behind. I wasn't hurt or anything, but the dent that collision left on my car's rear bumper was a bit of a doozie. As I realised that I got rear-ended, I looked to see who had done it by examining my rearview mirror. It was a grey Unser, and it signalled to the left to pull over by the roadside. I was thankful that they didn't decide to drive away and make it more complicated than it had to be.

I pulled over too to allow other cars to pass us and go about their day. In my teacher's attire of long-sleeved button-up shirt and slacks, I got out of my car and reminded myself to be as calm as I could, given the circumstances. The main goal was to settle what had to be settled as quickly as possible, and go about our day. I still had school to go to.

The driver of the Unser was alone, and if I had to guess, was about my age, if not slightly older, since he had more of a stubble than I could ever pull off with my current facial hair situation. He was apologetic and acknowledged that it was his fault for hitting my car. I asked him if he had ever done this before, as in hit another person's car before, and he  answered in the negative. I whipped up my camera and took a picture of the damage to my car and the Unser's plate number. I then asked him for his licence and ID and took a picture of those. He did the same for me, after my insistence.

As calm and level-headed as I tried to be, I wasn't very experienced in handling road accidents myself. I knew what to do in case of car breakdowns, but not vehicular collisions, so I asked my mother-in-law (who happened to live 2 minutes away from the incident) by calling her. She told me what to do and I set in motion her plan, which was to tell the driver of the Unser that he was to pay for the damages, or else a police report had to be made.

The driver of the Unser complied and was happy to do what he needed to in order to get the thing settled so that the both of us could move on from what had happened. We shared the same goal, which was to get it over and done with as quickly and as painlessly as it could be, and for that I appreciate him. He gave me his phone number and I made sure he gave me the right one by calling him on the spot to see that his phone was ringing.

Before we parted ways, he apologised again, and I said no worries while getting back in the car. It wasn't the warmest of goodbyes that I could have given, and in hindsight I could have been a little warmer to receive his apology properly. He seemed genuine in his sorries and seemed like he really wished he hadn't hit my car (but of course, who ever wishes otherwise?).

I think the way the Unser driver handled it was exemplary and made the effort to seem like he was sorry for what he had done and cooperated with me to get what had to be settled done. He made sure that it was all over within a day so that we could both move on with our lives. He was very calm and was as warm as one could be given the situation at hand. I have a thing or two to learn from that person, and I hope that if the roles were reversed one day and I were the one in the wrong, I would be strong enough to deal with it the way that he did. He made a mistake and owned up to it, took responsibility for it and made sure I was compensated for the damages.

Here's to that guy, for being a nice dude.

People Still Blog?

So about a week ago (week ago) a friend asked me if I was writing anything new, so I told him that I was writing semi-consistently on my blog, and the friend said, "wait, people still blog?" and I was like, yeah no, most don't anymore, I suppose, but it's a place I go to get me writing, so I do it for that.

Although it has to be said that I cannot empirically prove my answer because I just don't and never had the interest to research this question. The basis of my assumption comes from the lack of updates from the bloggers I used to read consistently. Some still do update from time to time, but I have to admit that the number of updates have dwindled significantly.

A reason for this could be the availability and the simplicity of facebook status updates. Why write on a website and post a link to that website to share it with friends when one could just make the piece of writing available to friends where they already are, right? The influx of wordy facebook status updates strengthens this thesis of mine.

Plus, writing on a blog is less gratifying because of the lack of the "like" function which is available to facebook users. So when one writes on the blog of blogspot, one gets little to no acknowledgement from the people that read them, unless of course those people choose to leave a comment. The comment section of the facebook page also looks more accessible and easy to use than blogger's, so it's no surprise then that writing on facebook becomes more attractive.

But I guess I like writing on blogger precisely because of those reasons. It makes me feel like I'm a hipster, in the sense that I don't do what everybody else is doing and am doing what so few are engaging in. I also appreciate those that come here to read a lot more, even if they do so silently without leaving a trace. People that take the effort to come here and read what I have to say show more sincerity in their interest in what I have to say, so I appreciate that a lot.

I also like writing here because I feel like I'm freer to let loose all of what goes through my brain as they go through it. Seldom is my writing here cohesive and it's almost never proof-read. What I get to read on this blog is a representation of what's going on in my head as closely as I can get it on paper without being a big pile of gibberish.

So here's to blogspot for still being a thing.

To Achieve What No One Else Has

So in the shower this morning I was thinking about a quote that I'd read some time ago that went "to achieve what no one else has achieved, you have to be prepared to do what no one else has done". And I ended up spending quite some time in the shower with that.

Since I've moved to the Klang Valley, I've found myself closer to some friends of mine that live and work around here. Being in closer proximity means that I am able to hang out with them with less of a hassle than when I was in Penang. I wouldn't have to travel 400 kilometres just to have a drink, basically. Trips to Klang Valley were more often than not, work-related, and we got little hangout time.

But moving has also meant that I have now a home with my wife. Back when I was in Penang and it was more of a long-distance kind of thing, I found it tough to stay at home and do stuff. This could be because there was no internet at my rented Penang apartment, but it was also because I didn't feel at home there. I felt like I didn't belong in the apartment, like I was menumpang. And to a certain extent, that's what it is if you live in rented property. I would go out consistently, every night, for dinner and for coffee by myself. I would only go back to the apartment to sleep and shower.

But now that we've moved into this rented apartment, it feels more like home and less like menumpang. Maybe it's because we've installed internet here, but I also feel like it's because I get to hangout with my wife here on a daily basis. It's because my wife makes it a point to cook as often as she can. It's because we can watch Netflix on the couch together. So I feel like going out less and less.

So here comes the paradox (if I can call it that). On the one hand, it's been more convenient for me to go out and meet friends to catch up. On the other, I don't feel like going out as much anymore. This sounds like a thing old people think about, and I guess I haven't escaped the clutches of such basic modern-life dilemmas.

Another thing I've been seeing around me is that some older husbands I know tend to want to lepak outside until as late as they can. They seem to enjoy the freedom of being away from their home, wife and children to the max and seem inclined to put off going back home until as late as possible. This makes sense to me in the sense that they've been spending a lot of time fending and providing for their family for a long time, and when moments that afford them the freedom to not have to think about those things for a little bit, one would want to be in that moment for a while. Raising a family is stressful stuff, and opportunities to destress become valuable in stressful environments.

As much as I put an effort into trying to understand their position, I still do not wish that upon myself. I don't want to feel reluctant to go back home to my wife. I want it to be an alright thing for me to just kick back at home and not go out. But at the same time, I also understand that I'm still on the younger side of things and I have so so much to go through still in my journey as a human being in general and a husband in particular. I am not immune to the weaknesses of man, and I should adjust my expectations accordingly.

Bringing it back to the quote earlier, what I'm trying to say is that I have certain things that I want to achieve. I want to be a good husband, absolutely. I also want to be a good son and brother, because my parents and brothers also mean the world to me. I also want to be a good friend who makes time for his friends. I also want to be a good writer and spend enough time reading and writing. I want to be a person who consistently makes songs as well. I also want to be a person who starts thinking about, writing, producing and making (short) films as well, and maybe full-lengths in the distant future. There's more to this list, but I think you get the point.

So I have all these aspirations, but these things won't be achieved without some sacrifices. For example, if I want to make it a point to be a person who reads and writes a lot, then I have to allocate the time for that, time that could have been spent hanging out with friends, maybe. If I want to make songs, that takes time, so time will have to be taken away from watching Netflix shows, maybe. If I want to spend more time with friends, then I would have to make time for them, and that means taking time away from sleep, maybe.

Trying to manage the finite amount of time we have here is a big struggle, I don't have to tell you that. I guess I just have to determine what I want for myself and stop looking longing for what other people have. I look at some people that seem like they have all the time in the world to hangout until late at night and desire it sometimes. I think to myself, "I wish I were able to go about my life in that fashion." But life and aspirations take sacrifice, and to get what they don't have and probably don't want to have, I have to do what they're not doing and what they're not willing to do.

That means staying at home, writing, reading, making songs, hanging out with the wife, working hard to get better at what I want to get better at and eventually be able to do for a living. At the same time, I do want to maintain good friendships, because they're valuable to me as well. It's about finding that balance, I guess. And it's always a struggle.

Here's to the struggle for balance.