Thursday, November 21, 2013

Only Myself To Blame

"It's too cold for you here and now," Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood.

So my hands are trembling, I feel very tired but my eyes are wide open and my leg won't stop shaking. Plus, I feel like throwing up and my focus is nowhere to be found, so much so that I can't even read right. Let's just say that sleep deprivation and me don't mix too well.

It's my fault too. Stayed up until 4am tadi editing a video, and of course got up at 6.30am for subuh and ran some errands afterwards. If I had started it earlier as scheduled and not have procrastinated so much, I would have been able to get it done and still get a good 5 hours of sleep in. Why you do this to yourself, anakpakman, I will never know. And by this time, the word "procrastination" is my most resented word in the whole wide world at the moment. Too much of a big word can do things to ya, I tells ya. Here's the video, by the way:


Shameless, shameless plugging of self. But hey, it's my blog so I'll be narcissistic if I want to. Deal with it, Anwar.

But really, procrastination has been THE main problem for these last few years in my life, and I have no one to blame but myself.

It may have hit my video-making pretty hard, but let me tell you that I suffered the most academically through this shameful self-inflicted disease of mine. I can identify so much with waitbutwhy in their passage:

"In college, the sudden unbridled personal freedom was a disaster for me—I did nothing, ever, for any reason. The one exception was that I had to hand in papers from time to time. I would do those the night before, until I realized I could just do them through the night, and I did that until I realized I could actually start them in the early morning on the day they were due."

University life was crippling to me mostly because of the freedom I enjoyed. Nobody pushed me to get anything done (except probably pay the rent), and growing up my whole life having people push me to get stuff done (11 years of school and 2 and half years of Malaysian teacher training institute), this sudden lack of push made me stop in my tracks, always expecting some push but never getting any. 

I have now finished my B. Ed. TESOL degree studies, and although I've passed (alhamdulillah), I'm not proud of how I did. I just know that I could have done sooo much better if it not were for me and my waiting for the Panic Monster to come kicking down my door. I took on any excuse for not getting work done (part-time job, being tired and needing a nap, needing to go hang out with friends because I've only hung out with them five times this week, etc.).

There was this one assignment where we had to work in groups, and I loved that one so much and did quite well because there were other people around to push me to get things done. Any individual work (and there were a LOT of them) and I'd be floating around not getting anything done. Often I'd find myself helping other people out with the assignment when I haven't even started on mine yet. Anything to avoid doing actual work. It's shameful, really.

I'm exposing this to you dear reader because 1. sleep deprivation, and 2. so that you may take away a lesson from my experience. Damn here I am pretending to be all wise and shtuff. But really, I wish upon no one what I have inflicted upon myself. Please do what you can to be the best person you can be. It's never too late for anyone to take a turn for the better, least of all a 23-year-old male almost-graduate. 

Let's do this. If not fly, run. If not run, walk. You get the idea. Crawl.

May peace be upon you.



honey bedazzled said...

cantiknya writing awak, indahnya grammar! said...

thanx a lot, seriusly,

saya pun ade masalah yg sama, and one wise makcik told me.

Deal with, no more escapism

ooo, rupernye, by making myself busy, day by day, i was avoiding pretty much-all the research that i should focus at. pity me T.T

btw, lets fight the procrastination. deal with it. hoyeah. biiznillah

amarawrrr said...

Much truth from this. I'm not entirely too sure about what goes on in the local universities (though I suspect these "push and pressure" mechanisms are still present even in the tertiary stage of education in Malaysia), but having been in the UK for 1 and a half years and only having an average of 18 hours of contact time per week (not to mention that Wednesdays are usually a weekend in the weekday) I have been struggling with this newfound freedom of mine. No one's here to stop me from not doing anything and that's what I do: Nothing. Just because I can. It's disgusting how much time I had wasted in my first year. This sudden freedom that I craved for before had suddenly became the bane of my existence. But I had no one else to blame other than myself. So what I have started to do is join as many activities I can, be active in a bunch of clubs and, to quote your imagery, get the "Panic Monster" to come and slap me to my senses to get going with studying cuz I sure as heck don't have time to be a useless, good-as-a-comatose-patient kind of a human being.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes, we are so afraid of facing the end product and how we'll be judged for it that we choose to put things on hold. But the truth is, we can't escape from dealing with things cuz ultimately, the best way out is through. Easier said than done but it's definitely possible. If others can do it, why not us?
'We are so scared of being judged that we look for every excuse to procrastinate' - Erica Jong

p/s: It's good to see you uploading vlog again & congratz Anwar in taking a step to address an issue that has "haunted" you for a significant period of time. Baby steps..but hey, it might just work :)
~ Joy Lipao

Ibnu Kastawi said...

thanks.. very inspiring. n very terasa. haha