Monday, November 2, 2015

A Good Weekend Reflected

So I've just had a pretty good weekend, in my book. Went to Kuala Terengganu for a forum where I was a panelist alongside a close friend, got to hang out a bunch with good people, wrote a couple of poems, and to top it all off, I got to witness New Zealand winning the 2015 World Cup. All in all, smiles by the time I got back on the plane back.

But as I was scrolling through the twitter and the instagram, I felt a feeling slowly creeping onto me, a feeling of sadness, more than anything else, really. I blame Twenty-one Pilots' acoustic rendition of Tear In My Heart for this.

I got to sort my thoughts out when I got back to my apartment room, and I ended up with the question: am I doing enough good in the world to make it a better place?

And the answer to that is: rasa macam tak cukup. Far from enough. And I guess that's what made me sad. That even on good days, they weren't good enough, at least not for me. And I started thinking, "wouldn't it be great if we knew when we were doing good enough? There'd be a meter we can check to see if the stuff we did through the day or even throughout our lives were enough to be called good, and we can physically see it so that it could guide us in our daily lives."

But then I thought, hey, maybe we don't know how much good is good enough because we're not supposed to know. Because if we knew, no, if I knew, then being the lazy human being that I am, I'd keep my deeds to a bare minimum. And if everyone who did good only did the bare minimum, then that'd suck for the world because there's a whole buncha other people who don't really care all that much about doing any good. We'd be doing just enough for ourselves, and unfortunately, that's nowhere near enough for the world in general.

I came to thinking that maybe feeling like I'm not doing enough is a good thing. Maybe that by having this feeling that I need to do more will drive me to do exactly that: more. And the more good we give out to the world, the better it gets. it's idealistic of me to think this, but I'm a naïve person, so yeah.

And I think that if ever there came a time that I felt like I've done enough good in the world, then that would be when I'm at my lowest, since I would feel content with myself. And I don't want that. At least not the me right now. The me right now has this burning urge to prove to myself that I can do good things in the world, and can be useful to the people around him. I look at myself and see this lowly useless piece of faeces and everyday is just a struggle to prove myself wrong, to be able to say to myself that hey, you're not a good for nothing after all.

So feel insecure Anwar. It's alright.

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