So earlier today was The Oscars, and my twitter timeline was full of Oscars-related news. Lots of awards being doled out, and I find out yet again that there are just SO many movies that I have yet to watch. I should definitely have a run of watching all the nominated movies, at least the ones up for Best Picture, no? The movie that ended up winning (called "Spotlight") I had never even heard of, so that goes to show just how much of a movie buff I am. The only movie ended up winning anything that I had watched was Mad Max: Fury Road (it bagged 6 Oscars).
But reading all the Oscars news made me think about how people in those nominated movies had worked in order to get as far as they had. They day to day work of screenplay writers, directors, producers, actors, et cetera in taking something from the realms of imagination to the realm of reality. Turning a spark of inspiration into blood, sweat, and tears to showcase motion pictures on cinema screens.
And while correcting the spelling of standard three kids in their activity books, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming urge to put myself in a position to be involved in such an endeavour (making a movie, not correcting people's spelling).
Not to put down the noble profession of primary school teachers, not at all. Indeed, the very foundations of art appreciation is built in the classrooms of primary schools. It's literally and figuratively where people learn their ABCs, and without the ABCs, a significant number of words in both the Malay and English language could not be spelt properly, so having these three letters in people's lexicon helps very much.
But I suppose it's the selfish person within me who lusts to be in the thick of things rather than being at the foundations. It's my own vanity that makes me want to be in front of the camera instead of in the classroom. It's the hubris in me to think that I'd be more dedicated in making movies than in making lesson plans. It's this sense of entitlement that comes with myself that thinks that I deserve to pursue my dreams, however outlandish they may be, just like any other person in the world and not settle for something safe and a sure thing. It's this stupidity in my youth to think that I'd be able to make it in showbiz, when in reality what is more likely to happen is that I'd crash and burn, be forced to do stuff I have no passion in just to pay the bills.
As long as I have these internal struggles, the ones that will suffer the most are the children. They deserve better from me. I thoroughly believe they deserve better than me. I am a mediocre teacher with grandiose delusions about making movies. One has every reason to believe that I would be just as mediocre (if not even more mediocre) at making movies too.
So now I'm torn between being mediocre in a classroom, or being mediocre in film. And if I'm honest, my self-pitying behind would choose the latter in a heartbeat.